A lot of people ask me what I do in my spare time and really it’s quite simple: I play kickball, once a year I change my cats litter box, I gamble, I attend parties I’m not invited too and of course, I follow federal court cases.

That last one I just mentioned is really important this week. Mainly because last Wednesday, a judge in Connecticut decided that cheerleading is not a sport. U.S. District Court Judge Stefan Underhill, who I’m guessing is not nor ever has been a cheerleader, ruled that “[Competitive cheerleading] is still too underdeveloped and disorganized to be treated as offering genuine athletic participation opportunities to students.”

For background purposes, I’ll quickly explain how the judge was put in a situation where he had to make this decision. Quinnipiac University recently cut their volleyball team. When told they were no longer in compliance with Title IX – the 1972 law that says men and women have to have equal opportunities in education AND athletics – Quinnipiac pointed to their competitive cheerleading squad and said, “We’re in compliance. Cheerleading is a sport. Bye bye volley ball team.” Well the volleyball team fought back and said that cheerleading is not a sport and because it’s not, Quinnipiac was not in compliance with Title IX. Still with me?

The case went to court and as I mentioned above, Judge Underhill sided with the Quinnipiac volleyball team while in the same breath he basically told cheerleaders to go play chess because that’s not a sport either.
Here is why I’m not on Judge Hill’s side.

First, let me say that I have two rules when I’m trying to determine if something is an actual sport. If a competition meets one of the rules, it’s not a sport. It has to meet both. So what are my rules exactly? Read on and find out.

Rule one: is it on ESPN? I watch a lot of ESPN. ESPN is a sports network, so 99 percent of the time, they are showing a sport or highlights of a sport or highlights of a highlight of a sport. Now you’re probably thinking, “John, I’ve seen poker and eating contests on ESPN, are those sports?”

Glad you asked. That takes me to rule number two. If you can sustain a life threatening or serious injury in your competition, then it’s a sport. I’ve never seen anyone die in the World Series of Poker and I even once watched  it for 12 straight hours. Kobayashi has never ended the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest by accepting his gold medal and then promptly suffering a hot dog induced heart attack. On the other hand, I’ve seen cheerleaders break their legs, arms and ankles. If Fox had a TV series called “America’s Most Gruesome Cheerleading Injuries,” the show would be rated E-17, people would cry after watching it. No one under the age of 17 would be allowed to watch. Fox would have to recommend that you don’t eat before watching. Cheerleading injuries are horrible. People get tossed 15 feet into the air and then accidentally get dropped on the ground. If you don’t think that sounds painful, do it to yourself sometime.

Sure I dated a cheerleader for two years in high school and yes she punched me every time I told her cheerleading wasn’t a sport, but after 10 years, I’ve finally come around and I finally agree with her: cheerleading is a sport.